People pleasing paralysis
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When I was growing up, the most popular people were the ones who wore a
smile all the time and never said no when someone asked a favor of
them. Unfortunately I was not one of those people. I was not popular in
high school. I wasn't completely shunned and , yes, I did have friends.
But you couldn't really say that I was popular. My sister, on the other
hand, was. She was easy going, always upbeat and smiling, and everybody
loved her. She was a real people pleaser.
For a long time, I
tried to be like my sister. I watched how she interacted with people
and would try to emulate her style. But, no matter how hard I tried, it
didn't work for me. It came across as phony and I was totally
uncomfortable with it. I would end up be angry with myself and with
everyone else around me.
Then one day it happened. I decided
to be myself. What a relief! Instead of killing myself trying to make
everyone else happy, and not succeeding, I now had the time to explore
what would make me happy. Sounds a little ego-centered, I know, and I
still feel a little guilty saying it. But, honestly, in the long run,
it was the best thing I ever did for myself.
Let me explain a
little about myself and how, maybe, others around me would find it
difficult to get along with me. I wanted to be myself. And, by being
myself, I took the risk of confusing others. They didn't understand why
I didn't jump on the bandwagon with everyone else. Or why I would want to spend
time alone just drawing or reading.....or, for heavens sake, thinking! And why did I like
classical music at age 15? And why was I so outspoken. Or so
disagreeable? Answer: "I had a mind of my own and I wanted to use it".
Why is it that in our society it is so important to please
everyone? Is it the promise that, if you comply, everyone will like
you, you will get your way, you'll have a lot of friends? Do you
struggle when you say something or write something because you want to
say the "right" thing? You don't want to offend anyone, right? Just
how honest and open should you be?
Today, people are certainly more willing to be themselves, but there is still a lot of "people pleasing" going on. And this could very well be stunting the growth, personality, and success of the people doing it. Do you habitually give in to other people because you just can't stand the thought of upsetting them? Do you put your needs to one side because you get a buzz from someone else's happiness, only to find that he or she is not a bit grateful?
Or maybe, you live only for the
approval of others,
saying what flatters them, doing what indulges them. If so, you just may be a classic "people pleaser,"
and, in all probability, not getting what you want out of life. Maybe it's time to shift the focus from others to yourself, and stop being a
martyr.
The irony of all this is that people pleasers
fail because it is impossible to please all the people all the time.
People caught in this vicious cycle end up sacrificing their entire
personalities to the whims of others. They become hooked on the "high"
of being liked and, in turn, become obsessed with finding out just what
buttons to press in order to please; and in focusing on this they lose
themselves.
They fail to meet their needs because they have ceased to
be aware of them. They start to believe that the failure to produce the
"high" is due to inefficient people pleasing, and this furthers the
cycle. The need to be themselves is totally eclipsed by the need to
please. They come to believe that nobody will like them if they stop doing things for other
people.
You deserve to take time to yourself, to say NO, and to take
care of yourself without feeling guilty. If someone stops liking you because you don’t do what they ask,
then you’re being used by them and probably don’t want them as a friend
anyway. People will like you for who you are and not simply for what
you do.
CommentsLoading...
A friend of mine had undergone a great story herself: Her and her husband when first they got married were living in a small one-bedroom apartment and were struggling to keep afloat. The two of them had several "friends" from work and college, whose houses they frequented for parties and the like. As guests, they were criticized and ostracized (in a subtle manner) for their "situation."
Well, the two of them put their minds together and came up with a great online business idea and it skyrocketed. Soon they found that they didn't need to work for anyone but themselves at the comfort of their home. She would have two kids almost immediately after they bought a huge 5-bedroom house. They each bought a Mercedes with cash and were well-off to put it mildly. When they began hosting parties, none of their previous friends would come by, claiming that they were "busy" and had prior engagements.
Many people don't want to see you succeed and want to keep you under their thumbs, as malicious as it sounds. It's funny how my friend and husband stayed the same and that the others changed/showed their true colors.
Thanks for a wonderful hub, alekhouse! Being yourself is such an understatement ;)
Dohn
Wow! Thanks for the great comments. I really enjoyed your story. So glad you enjoyed the hub
Great article, Alekhouse. I know too many people like this. At some point they just fall apart. It's sad to see, especially when they're you're friend. Yeah, I accepted the fact that I just wasn't a "people pleaser" a long time ago. The world is just too big and filled with such variety, I'd imagine one to go crazy, even if you limited it to those around you. I know as a mother I lost myself a bit for a while. I realized it was the same thing as what you're speaking of and I knew that I had to resolve for some balance. Besides which, a mother isn't suppose to please her children all the time, now, is she. And when you lose yourself when you're a mother, how can you show your children what it is to be independent with thoughts of your own? How can you show them that saying no when you feel no is right? You can't very well. Thanks for your the thought provoking words. I haven't thought about this stuff in a long time.
Thanks, Frieda, for the intelligent comments. I'm glad, so far, that most people are understanding where I'm coming from. I was afraid maybe I would offend (people pleasing again?), but then again I went ahead and published it didn't I?
I'm not even popular with my kids sometimes,lol. Very true points about not losing our identities. Great article! :)
Excellent article, Alekhouse. It's all about assertion as opposed to aggression and submission. I
t is very dangerous to "go along to get along" as you will lose your identity and independence by doing so.
Thanks again
Love and peace
Tony
It is very hard being yourself because you risk people finding out who you really are. But you are absolutely right, if you can be yourself then you are bound to be happier than if you try and pretend to be something you are not. Took me a very long time to realise that but I did eventually, and I am a much happier person as a result. Pleasing others is good when it is sincere and not at the cost of your own personal feelings and principles.
Thanks for the great hub. I will now go forth and be me. -Unless someone else wants to.
Fantastic hub--true in every aspect. I went through an existential crisis recently and realized that I too, like many others--'evolved' to be 'people pleasing.' Then I realized that it does not benefit me mentally or physically to fall into that specific vulnerability. I enjoyed reading this very much. Gives so much to self reflection!
Also, congratulations are in order for interview with HubPages!
@akirchner: Thanks for the comment. You are so right about being yourself....good for you!
@Dame Scribe: Great comment. I know what you mean about the kids. They are experts at manipulation and being afaid they wont like you if you stick to your guns can be a killer.
@Tonymack: Good comment. I love your remark about being dangerous "to go along to get along." Thanks for the input.
@Brian S Love your comment, Brian. It took me a long time too to decide to be myself. And, yes, you are right about it being good to please others if it's sincere...and appropriate. Thanks.
@Micky Dee: Very funny! Yes, do go forth and be you; although I suspect you've already been doing that :=)
@Am I Dead Yet?: Glad you enjoyed the hub. it's really amazing many people have struggled with this issue. And thanks for the mention about my interview.
Yes - easier said than done as I think at any age we tend to fall back on old ways IF we don't keep telling ourselves it's okay to be just me! Fake is beautiful but only on fur! Audrey
@akirchner: I love your comment about fake fur. And, yes, we have to keep reminding ourselves that we matter....what a shame!
alekhouse, I've always been who I am, but there's no doubt I;ve paid price after price for it; because when you don't worry about other people's approval, they often don't approve (and let you know - some people more aggressively than others). I does get to be a drag after a while. :)
I know what you mean, Lisa. I have had similar experiences. But stick to your guns. Thanks for the comment.
I think I'm sometimes guilty of being a people pleaser largely because I dislike confrontation...but having said that, I have to admit that I can also be maddeningly individualistic and contrary!
Interesting comment. Thanks.
I made a decision to give up people-pleasing a long time ago, even though I was raised to do just that. Like Feline Prophet, I dislike confrontation (Libra has something do do with this), and I am not only maddeningly individualistic and contrary (thanks, FP, for that awesome self-description), I am also very sarcastic and sometimes even hostile when someone pushes the wrong buttons.
I admire those who can maintain friendships and other close relationships when they decide to change their people-pleasing ways.
I wonder, alekhouse, if you have a Hub in the wings about this: Life after deciding not to be people-pleasing.
Re: "Life after deciding not to be people-pleasing." Well, I had't thought about writing a hub on this, but actually I could. My life is great...full, happy, interesting, and creative. And I am definitely not a people pleaser.
Good comments...thanks
I think that everybody should just be themselves and accept the fact that people are born or raised differently. And respect begets respect. It is annoying however when an individual fakes being a 'people-person' or pretends to be otherwise. We all see through people somehow.
You are so right about "seeing through" the act some individuals put on. Thanks for the comments, Cris
There is a time and a place for "people pleasing." In the service industry, yes. In your personal life, in moderation.I used to say, "you have to be a friend to have a friend." This past year, I've changed this to "your REAL friends will understand that you sometimes have other priorities." Two great things happened, I started feeling like I had more control of my life, and I found out who my REAL friends were. Quality, not quantity. Thanks for the another great post Alekhouse.
And thank you for some really good comments. I'm glad you enjoyed the hub.
I enjoyed your story alekhouse. I was never a people pleaser in high school and dressed the way I liked, and I sure got ridiculed for that. It is funny that as an adult being an individual when it comes to fashion sense is revered, but as a child this can make you a subject to ridicule and scorn. Today when I see a group of younger people similarly dressed I often wonder, do they all want to dress that way, or do they all want to fit in with their friends?
I think young people all want to fit in with their friends. But the most courageous and interesting people are true to themselves. Thanks for the comments. SP
Oh no, if people read your article, what's going to happen to me? I've relied on people pleasers all of my life! Just kidding! Great article - Momma tried to raise me to be one of these, but I was too independent - but I did learn the values of compassion, kindness, love and giving. I just apply them as they are needed and never forget that I'm one of those people that I need to apply them to as well. If I don't take care of me, I can't expect to be on the top of anyone else's list. Its more attractive to be self sufficient - not allowing someone else to grow and take care of themselves is not helping. Wonderful article Alekhouse.
Thanks for the comments, Erin. I definitely agree with what you wrote about: "...compassion, kindness, love and giving".
Excellent hub! I know this topic well and had thought I had gotten over it completely until an incident last year revealed the shocking truth -- the root cause of my people pleasing ways was still in my subconscious mind. I'm glad to report though that I have been working on reprogramming this area through various exercises which include meditating, tapping and creating new stories for vibrational alignment. It's working:)
Thank you for a beautiful hub. Blessings:)
Thank you so much for such interesting comments. I'm glad you like the hub and could make a connection.
Well, I think successful musicians and actors have the problem of pleasing everyone. But as the song says, "players only love you when their playing", so I guess that means that even these public figures make time for themselves.
@bgamall: Never heard of that song. But they (i.e. players)are not the only ones who have the problem of pleasing everyone. Thanks for the comments.
Great article, alekhouse. I am SO with you on singing the praises of being yourself. Bad news is I didn't learn this until I was 41... My family doesn't much like it, but frankly I am much happier being my authentic self. Thanks, alekhouse for the great read.
Glad to hear this...about you being your authentic self. You discovered its merits sooner than I did. I was over 50. Thanks for the nice comments.
I really found your hub very helpful. I was a classic example of a people pleaser. I have a hub called "People Pleasing-how far will it go". It had me in it's grip. I'm looking forward to reading more of your hubs and am signing on as a fan!
Yeah I am crippled by it. Now I am laid off and have no people to please.I have trouble asking for any help, because I think they'll all say no, and then no hope.
Writing is my way of coping. I love it. In here, I don't really know everyone, so, whose to please? I try to write what I think someone might like or need. You have done that here, you wrote something I needed. Thank you.
@Timehealsall: Thanks for the comment. So glad you enjoyed the hub. I'm going to your site to see if I can find the one you wrote on the same topic.
@Faybe Bay: So sorry about your misfortune. Glad you enjoyed the hub and thanks for the comments.
great story. good article. I liked this so much. Keep the good work going by posting informative and autobiographical hubs. Thank you.
What nice comments! Thank you...so glad you enjoyed them. I will definitely keep them coming.
This is a great article and you are right that you can't please all people all of the time and that is true even if you are not people pleasing. As I have grown older, I find it much harder to people please because it is sacrificing me and my health. I feel better in the end being who I am even if it means not agreeing with someone. Thx for the informative hub.
Nice comment...thanks. Yeah, I'm with you on this one. The older a person gets, the more they realize that life is too short not to really enjoy it by being yourself.
People-pleasing was a survival skill I learned early on in life and it has taken many years to learn to live in "my own skin." I needed to be reminded of the things you write about here and stay focused on what is important! Thanks.
Hi FloBe, nice to meet you...so glad you liked the hub.
I think a lot of people struggle with this...funny, I never did. But then, I didn't have a lot of friends either...I guess that's why.
Great hub and good for you for being true to yourself. I wrote a hub awhile ago about the "Importance of Saying No". It is so hard for many people. You are an inspiration, and a good example to many people. Voted up and awesome.
Thanks, toknowinfo, I appreciate the nice comment and support
To alekhouse: Great hub! This hub is so true. It is better to hated for being yourself than to be liked for being someone else. Furthermore, people respect people when they are themselves. People who are people pleasers are generally not respected in the long run.
So true, so true. Glad you liked the hub. Thanks for the comment.
akirchner Level 4 Commenter 2 years ago
That is so true - and I gave up trying to be anyone else a long, long time ago....what is the saying I just read recently - 'be yourself, everyone else is taken'....but you are right about one thing. If someone doesn't see the need or have the confidence to do it, they usually go on being as I term them 'fake'. I hate fake as I think it is the least attractive of all personality traits but hey - no one put me in charge. Great hub! Audrey